Mountaintop Meditations - Happiness is a Practice

So, anyone knowing me knows that I like to go hiking. Due to summer weather though, I have not gone very much lately, and when I do go, it is always either early in the morning (my last hike before today began before sunrise) or sundown (always on a full moon). Today was scheduled to be cool and cloudy with a chance of drizzle; perfect weather for a morning hike.

While I like running (and when I am able, I run 3 days per week), I rarely ever run while hiking. Hiking is a meditative time for me. I take my time, enjoy the sights, climb rocks and look out over the world from time to time. When I get to the top, I meditate. Sometimes the purpose of the meditation is to clear my head (which is subsequently the point of the whole hike). Sometimes the purpose is to get organized and set a game plan for things to be accomplished. Sometimes the purpose is to think better and/or more constructive thoughts than those I am presently thinking. Today's purpose was the latter. I have been really depressed lately. I have been sick and have had entirely too much time to think about everything that is wrong with my life.

As I proceeded up the mountain, I cleared my head. I was so successful at this endeavor that at one point, as I sat upon a rock overlooking the city, I for a second forgot what I was sad about. I had to think about it. Further up the mountain, I decided that the purpose of this hike, the purpose of today's meditation, was going to be gratitude. I thought about all the things I was thankful for (even though some of the things I thought about had downsides as well as upsides and I found myself consistently circling back and forth between positivity and negativity). But in the end, I ended up being completely grateful that I was able to hike up to the top of anything (some people can't even walk, let alone hike). I am grateful that while I am sick, my health is overall pretty good. I am grateful that I never have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. In short, I have many things to be grateful for.

So, while my life is not at all as I had planned it, or thought it would turn out . . . while things are not perfect by any means . . . I have come to the following epiphany for the day; one that I know I will have to frequently remind myself of:

I shouldn't live life always thinking about what I don't have or what didn't go right. Instead, I should remember what I do have and what did go right. Life is a journey through hills and valleys. Sometimes I will be at the top of the hill or mountain looking out over the world. Other times I will be at the bottom with the world looking down on me. Happiness is a practice.

(The last line was stolen from Glen Phillips)

Life, Death and Apocalyptic Ends . . . what will remain when it all ends?

I find it amusing that my entry "So the apocalypse has begun..." generated nearly three times as many views as my entry on the Supreme Court ruling regarding gay marriage. This says quite a bit, I think, about my present, albeit so far small audience. An interesting speculation considering that I have in the past year systematically, both directly and indirectly, isolated my conservative peers in favor of more liberal thinkers. The fact of the matter is that my separation from my husband a year ago has spawned a reflective year in which I looked inward to see exactly what stuff I am truly made of. It turns out, there is more liberal (though I prefer to think of it as more humanitarian) matter in there than conservative (what I prefer to think of as more judgmental, intolerant, narrow-minded and unyielding) matter. I still believe in God, and I believe there is a moral code that we should strive to abide by (a sort of striving to be the best possible version of ourselves that we can be), but I do not believe that cutting down others in an effort to highlight our strengths is the best way to interact with others. Instead, we should seek to highlight the strengths we find in our fellow man versus seeking to find fault with them.

That said, I have spent the day today writing a great deal on my thesis, which focuses on apocalyptic narratives, particularly as they relate to contemporary fiction (literature and film). Like the bulk of my audience, end times scenarios fascinate me. I believe someday this world will come to an end. Also like my audience, I am intrigued by the various theories out there posited by researchers and fanatics alike as to how and when this great event will happen. In my opinion, plausible theories include solar activity, massive natural disasters and pandemics (all theories discussed within my present research and writing on the topic), while less plausible theories include anything specifying an exact date like December 21, 2012. Obviously that day came and went without incidence.

In the course of my research, I learned a great deal about what the Mayans did and did not predict (and I assure you that they did not predict the end of the world - which was never their intent in the first place). In the course of my writing today, I learned that time flies when you are focused on something like writing or work. Before I knew it, it was almost 6 pm and my son was complaining that he was hungry, while I was noting that it wasn't dinner time yet (though, to my great surprise, it was almost exactly that). Turns out, the stomach of a child has a better sense of telling time than a busy mother or an ancient calendar for that matter. My point? We spend the entire day most days working, focused on something. When we're not working . . . when we're not focused on something (even if it's just how bad the damn traffic is while we're commuting home), we're on our cell phone, or playing video games, or watching TV (and arguing with the TV as though it could hear us), or doing a series of other activities. Exactly how much time do we spend with our children, or enjoying nature, or embodying love? Only four people cared what I thought about the Supreme Court's decision regarding gay marriage, while nearly three times that many cared what I thought about the apocalypse (when in fact I never even made mention of what I thought until now). The end will come someday. We might be dead already when it does. What will we be able to say about our lives when our end does come? That we worked ourselves to death? That we broke the Guinness World Record for fastest texting? Or that we found love and learned how to love? That we went hiking and saw what it was like to be above the fog instead of below it (a kind of cool vision if you ever get the chance)? That we were the best possible version of ourselves that we could be for ourselves, our children and for others?

We all have to work. That is a given. We have to work, we have to be stuck in traffic sometimes, we have to cook dinner, we have to make phone calls and send text messages . . . we all have to do all of these things. However, as the popular cliche states, sometimes we need to also remember to stop and smell the roses.

As it turned out, my laptop forced me to stop and take my own advice after writing much of the day - it crashed. My penchant for excessively hitting the "save" button and backing everything up proved most useful, so all hope is not lost . . . but it did cause a one-day delay in the posting of this entry. I know, you're absolutely heartbroken :)

Today's Supreme Court Ruling on Prop. 8 and DOMA

"Separate is not equal". Many of us remember that phrase from our history books as we learned about racial segregation, the Civil War, and laws such as the Jim Crow laws that sought to segregate persons of color (blacks) from white people. Despite the fact that slavery and segregation has been abolished and rulings such as Brown vs. Board of Education has sought equal rights for all regardless of race, these movements toward equal rights were met with hostility then and are still met by opponents even today. Throughout history there has been contention over whether women and persons of color should be given equal rights. To this day, we continue to fight this battle. Back in the 1950s, there were people who used God, the Bible or religion to argue their point about why blacks or women were not equal. Today they are using God, the Bible and religion to argue why Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual and Transgender persons should not be granted equal rights. In the words of Salman Rushdie, "From the beginning men used God to justify the unjustifiable" (The Satanic Verses).

The fact of the matter is this: if you believe in God, then you believe that God created all living things. He created you, me, blacks, women, lesbians, gays, bi-sexuals and transgender individuals. He does not make mistakes. You can argue that the Bible says that homosexual behavior is wrong, but so is lying, cheating, stealing, cursing, and above all, hatred. Everyone sins, and the Bible is clear on the fact that one sin is not greater or lesser than another sin. All sin is equal before the eyes of God, and so are all men. The Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) has moved to agree. Today they ruled against Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), citing its tenets as unconstitutional. Someday I would like to write in length about the constitutionality (or lack thereof) of laws such as Proposition 8 and DOMA, but for the purposes of this blog, I will keep it brief. Laws that restrict the rights of human beings, that treat them as "less than" or "other" have no place in our democratic society. Advocates of Proposition 8 and DOMA cite that our country was founded on God, but our country was also founded on religious freedom. One cannot expect everyone to agree with their beliefs; that is not consistent with the philosophy of America. Christians absolutely have a right to be Christian, to practice their faith, to teach their children Biblical principles and that homosexuality is a sin (though they really should not omit that all sins are equal). They even have the right to believe that same sex marriages will not be honored by God (though they should be careful about saying they are going to hell because that's God's judgment, not theirs). They do not have the right to infringe upon the rights of every person, regardless of not only race, but also creed and sexual orientation. They also do not have the right to expect that it is everyone else's job (school, media, etc.) to raise their child. It is their responsibility. The Bible says to raise YOUR child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6), not expect everyone else to raise your child in the way he should go. A reasonable person would recognize that every human being deserves to be treated like a human being and would teach their children to believe the same.

The Supreme Court of the United States has made a step in the right direction today. I hope this progression continues; that someday everyone will have a right to marry, to hold the same legal rights as everyone else and to be recognized as equal and treated as human. I know that hatred and bigotry will persist, as they always have, but hopefully not in our government.

Update to Right Guy, Wrong Timing

Well, being as I was feeling a little better today, I went out for Father's Day brunch with my parents and my older brother, during which time my mom told me that the subject of last night's blog did ask about me at the party and has now joined the ranks of those who hate my ex, but unfortunately, he has recently married. Oh well; nothing ventured, nothing gained. At least now I know that it will never be possible, though now I find myself a little miffed that I wasted so much time with the wrong person. I try not to think of it in terms of time wasted though, but rather as time spent learning valuable lessons and raising my children. They are now at an age where they can begin to understand why things like divorce happen (hopefully at least a little bit) and maybe as we traverse the world of dating and boyfriends (or girlfriends in my son's case when he gets a little bit older), we can sit back and laugh at our foibles and guiltily consume way too much ice cream and chocolate trying to make ourselves feel better (followed by hours in the gym trying to burn it off). I will say this much though: seize potential rather than let it pass you by.

Right guy, wrong timing?

Today my parents went to the 40th birthday party of a guy my dad used to work with, and who I met for the first time as a teenager. He was a nice guy, not too bad looking, and one of few people my dad associated with that I would actually carry on a conversation with. A few years ago my dad mentioned that he believed this person liked me. I thought then, just as I think now, that it is really too bad that I didn't know that, and that even if I had, it might not have made any difference because I was a teenager when I met him. Despite the fact that there was only a 3-year gap in our ages, I figured there is no way in the world my father would let me date someone who was technically an adult. Nor did I want such an occurrence to potentially harm their working relationship. This man moved up in the company and now has a pretty stable job making decent income.

I can't help but feel like maybe I missed the boat, all due to a silly technicality. While that 3-year gap might have made a difference way back then, it makes absolutely no difference now. Was the significance of this age difference then a necessary roadblock to keep a relationship that shouldn't happen from happening? Or was it a silly technicality that may have thwarted a potentially good relationship? Given my track record for relationships that clearly shouldn't have happened, I find it hard to believe that this relationship would have been more toxic than those I did have. On the contrary, I think this could have been a good thing, and were it not for the fact that I was not feeling well this evening, I might have asked if the man was by any chance single. Perhaps I shall keep this in mind when my own daughter turns 16 or 17 years old, should she encounter a similar predicament.

What not to do at a graduation

So, today I went to my daughter's graduation. Whether a person is graduating from elementary, middle, high school, or college, they are making a progression from one stage in their life to another. They have hopefully learned something, grown from experiences and learned new skills. What I have discovered is that while graduations are celebrations of one's accomplishments and one's progression from one stage to another, those who attend these graduations have seemingly learned nothing and have had no experiences which have taught them manners or common decency.

Numerous people arrived late. If you arrive late to class, you irritate the teacher and possibly end up lowering your grade or having some sort of disciplinary action exacted upon you. If you arrive late to work, you risk losing your job. So, how is arriving late to a graduation teaching our next generation responsibility? Not only does this send the wrong message, but it irritates the shit out of people who are trying to watch their child graduate and might even be trying to take a picture (which they subsequently miss out on taking) while your rude ass is walking right in front of them, not even mindful of the fact that they are trying to take a picture.

One might think that this rude parade of traffic would end after a little while; after everyone has had a chance to arrive, find a parking spot, find a seat and so forth, but no. It never ends. Late people continue to arrive increasingly late. Others need something to eat or drink from the concession stand, as though they have come to an all-you-can-eat buffet instead of a graduation ceremony (I honestly can't understand why obesity is an epidemic). And then, of course, after they finish drinking their sodas and eating their exorbitantly priced nachos (Taco Bell after the graduation would have been much cheaper), they have to go to the bathroom. Then, many of these same people who were late, and those who had the decency to arrive on time, begin to leave early. Not only is this rude, but when 2/3 of the stadium decides to do so, your plan to "beat the traffic" becomes null and void and people like myself are commenting to their peers that not only are you rude, but you are an absolute moron.

So, reader, I implore you. If you are going to attend a graduation this year, or ever for that matter, do not be this kind of person. Arrive on time, pay attention and do not walk in front of people that are trying to take a picture (apologize if you accidentally do so), sit your ass down once you arrive and stay seated (forget the concessions unless you have time to get them ahead of time) and stay at least until they have finished reading the names. There will always be the jabbering that they do at the end of the ceremony that no one cares about and no one is going to take a picture of, making this the perfect time to run for the car (the more intelligent ones will stay put and let the traffic clear out versus trying to beat it). This is what manners and common decency is; it's a shame that it is no longer taught by parents or schools.

Anger, Impatience and the Path to Peace

I have noticed that we are an angry and hurried society. Many accidents happen because we are in a hurry and many people get hurt because we are angry, or careless, or a combination of the two. Sometimes we are legitimately in a hurry, like when we are running late to work, or when we have to get the kids to school on time, or we have to be somewhere at a specific time. Sometimes we are just in a hurry to get to the red light ahead of everyone else. Sometimes we are legitimately angry, such as when someone wrongs us or when something bad happens. Unfortunately, we often direct this anger at people who had no direct relationship to what made us angry. This morning yielded a lesson for me, both through unfortunate events and meditation, about slowing down, letting go of anger and embracing peace.

As mentioned in my previous post, I was in a toxic relationship for 14 years. Let me begin by saying that not every single day of these 14 years was bad or toxic. There were some good times. There were instances where he clearly put my needs and desires above his own. I tend to think of these things from time to time, especially a few days ago when our anniversary passed. Between feminine hormones and thoughts of my shattered marriage, I have been an emotional wreck lately, and have channeled these emotions into anger. I have unintentionally hurt people and I have often been in a hurry for no apparent reason. We tend to do these things when we are angry and impatient.

However, while there were good times, there were many bad times. There were many instances in which he cut me down spiritually, emotionally, mentally and psychologically, in many different ways. He made me question my faith and beliefs, he accused me of things I did not do but was convinced I had (and I will admit, that in time, after relentless accusations, that I adopted an attitude of 'well, if I'm going to be accused of it anyway...'), he convinced me that I was stupid and untalented, to the demise of everything creative and artistic that I ever did (music, theater, dance, writing, ...), and he made me believe that I could do nothing on my own, would never find anyone willing to "put up with me," and that I needed him. This was the Christian man I married. And then he left.

When he left, I spent 2 ½ days crying because I believed him. I believed that I could do nothing on my own, that I would never find anyone willing to "put up with me" (and maybe I won't, but maybe I don't need someone "willing to put up with me") and that I needed him. I had never gone grocery shopping, hadn't done laundry since I was 21, rarely ever cooked (and was convinced I didn't know how), and was afraid of what would happen once I tried to do these things. What happened is that I figured out how to do laundry again, and that now I can cook vegetarian fare, I could make my children healthier, and grocery shopping is no longer a battle of wills or a series of compromises. Grocery shopping is me walking into a grocery store and buying whatever the hell I want. Yes, that's right, I have a cart full of produce and yogurt. Got a problem with that? I also figured out that I can cook. I just don't wish to fry things or cook meat very often.

I'm almost done here. I just wanted to point out one more area of contention for me. On top of him derailing me spiritually, I have had others do so as well. I had a few moments of happiness in my last job, specifically when it came to directing the Christmas program or being involved in their dramatic arts. This was a creative outlet for me that made me feel alive again. Then they went bankrupt and were acquired by another church that came in and began ostracizing those who did not attend their church, relieved me of my directing responsibilities, let go of people they considered to be a liability or not in sync with their goals (a senior citizen, a non-believer that had been hired not once, but twice by previous management, and someone who had been hurt on the job), and attitudes around the place changed. It became all about appearances; having the right car, the right hairdo, the right handbag... Whatever happened to a relationship with God being about a relationship with God? When did it become about your relationship with your finances or keeping up with the Jones'?

This acquisition did not affect me as much as it did some others that truly needed their jobs and had to find new ones. I had another job when this happened, working for another Christian organization. One that, in time, would also begin to disappoint me. All around me I could see where the Christian church was becoming less about growing people spiritually and more about growing their pocketbooks and making their churches larger, even if at the expense of their congregation. Pastors are becoming best-selling authors, yet letting their churches go bankrupt and expecting their congregation to bail them out. Churches are becoming beacons of hatred (and not just the Westboro Baptist Church, but most especially them) instead of beacons of love and compassion. And the last time I went to church, the message was delivered via a large screen (a pre-recorded message at that) instead of in person. If I wanted a message via a screen, I have a television, a laptop and an iPad that can all serve that function. I do not need to get my family ready to go somewhere for that. My anger at these churches and at Christians who do not embrace love and compassion has led me to be angry, unloving and un-peaceful. The very sort of person I am riling against. That is what this very long blog entry is about. It is about a realization that we, that I, are/am angry and hurried, just like everyone else and that we/I need to slow down, self evaluate and embrace peace.

So the apocalypse has begun . . . well, maybe not quite.

Just as I was rather late to join Facebook or Twitter (as Teal or otherwise), rather late to begin posting pictures and recipes of what I was cooking (largely because prior to a year ago, I rarely ever cooked) and rather late to follow just about any other burgeoning trend, I am late to the blogosphere as well, but here I am. The past year has given me an opportunity to explore new places, ideas, foods, and other things as well as revisit some things I had forgotten while cooped up in a rather toxic relationship for 14 years prior. It has also caused me to take inventory on who I am, what I believe and don't believe, what is and is not important to me and to start being brave enough to voice my opinions (even if they may not necessarily be popular amongst my family and friends), my thoughts/ideas, and to share with those who are close to me who I am and what I am all about (the good, the bad and the darn-right ugly). So, here it is. If you like (or even if you don't like, but respect my right to have an opinion) the truncated posts that you see on my Facebook or Twitter page (Teal Hawk) and would like to know more about what I think, you will see it here in my new blog. You can expect political opinions and opinions in general, rants about things I see out in the world that irritate the shit out of me, internal struggles, diet/exercise related posts, creative writing, academic endeavours (including Master's thesis "stuff"), creative enterprises and more. So, hope you enjoy. Feel free to comment, agree/disagree, throw ideas back and forth . . . just don't throw food or insults. Let's behave like the intelligent beings that we are :)

This is the world, according to Teal!

Welcome to my world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!