I have noticed that we are an angry and hurried society.
Many accidents happen because we are in a hurry and many people get hurt
because we are angry, or careless, or a combination of the two. Sometimes we
are legitimately in a hurry, like when we are running late to work, or when we
have to get the kids to school on time, or we have to be somewhere at a
specific time. Sometimes we are just in a hurry to get to the red light ahead
of everyone else. Sometimes we are legitimately angry, such as when someone
wrongs us or when something bad happens. Unfortunately, we often direct this
anger at people who had no direct relationship to what made us angry. This
morning yielded a lesson for me, both through unfortunate events and
meditation, about slowing down, letting go of anger and embracing peace.
As mentioned in my previous post, I was in a toxic
relationship for 14 years. Let me begin by saying that not every single day of
these 14 years was bad or toxic. There were some good times. There were
instances where he clearly put my needs and desires above his own. I tend to
think of these things from time to time, especially a few days ago when our
anniversary passed. Between feminine hormones and thoughts of my shattered
marriage, I have been an emotional wreck lately, and have channeled these
emotions into anger. I have unintentionally hurt people and I have often been
in a hurry for no apparent reason. We tend to do these things when we are angry
and impatient.
However, while there were good times, there were many bad
times. There were many instances in which he cut me down spiritually,
emotionally, mentally and psychologically, in many different ways. He made me
question my faith and beliefs, he accused me of things I did not do but was
convinced I had (and I will admit, that in time, after relentless accusations,
that I adopted an attitude of 'well, if I'm going to be accused of it
anyway...'), he convinced me that I was stupid and untalented, to the demise of
everything creative and artistic that I ever did (music, theater, dance,
writing, ...), and he made me believe that I could do nothing on my own, would
never find anyone willing to "put up with me," and that I needed him.
This was the Christian man I married. And then he left.
When he left, I spent 2 ½ days crying because I believed
him. I believed that I could do nothing on my own, that I would never find
anyone willing to "put up with me" (and maybe I won't, but maybe I
don't need someone "willing to put up with me") and that I needed
him. I had never gone grocery shopping, hadn't done laundry since I was 21,
rarely ever cooked (and was convinced I didn't know how), and was afraid of
what would happen once I tried to do these things. What happened is that I
figured out how to do laundry again, and that now I can cook vegetarian fare, I
could make my children healthier, and grocery shopping is no longer a battle of
wills or a series of compromises. Grocery shopping is me walking into a grocery
store and buying whatever the hell I want. Yes, that's right, I have a cart
full of produce and yogurt. Got a problem with that? I also figured out that I
can cook. I just don't wish to fry things or cook meat very often.
I'm almost done here. I just wanted to point out one more
area of contention for me. On top of him derailing me spiritually, I have had
others do so as well. I had a few moments of happiness in my last job,
specifically when it came to directing the Christmas program or being involved
in their dramatic arts. This was a creative outlet for me that made me feel
alive again. Then they went bankrupt and were acquired by another church that
came in and began ostracizing those who did not attend their church, relieved
me of my directing responsibilities, let go of people they considered to be a
liability or not in sync with their goals (a senior citizen, a non-believer
that had been hired not once, but twice by previous management, and someone who
had been hurt on the job), and attitudes around the place changed. It became
all about appearances; having the right car, the right hairdo, the right
handbag... Whatever happened to a relationship with God being about a
relationship with God? When did it become about your relationship with your
finances or keeping up with the Jones'?
This acquisition did not affect me as much as it did some
others that truly needed their jobs and had to find new ones. I had another job
when this happened, working for another Christian organization. One that, in
time, would also begin to disappoint me. All around me I could see where the
Christian church was becoming less about growing people spiritually and more
about growing their pocketbooks and making their churches larger, even if at
the expense of their congregation. Pastors are becoming best-selling authors,
yet letting their churches go bankrupt and expecting their congregation to bail
them out. Churches are becoming beacons of hatred (and not just the Westboro
Baptist Church, but most especially them) instead of beacons of love and
compassion. And the last time I went to church, the message was delivered via a
large screen (a pre-recorded message at that) instead of in person. If I wanted
a message via a screen, I have a television, a laptop and an iPad that can all
serve that function. I do not need to get my family ready to go somewhere for
that. My anger at these churches and at Christians who do not embrace love and
compassion has led me to be angry, unloving and un-peaceful. The very sort of
person I am riling against. That is what this very long blog entry is about. It
is about a realization that we, that I, are/am angry and hurried, just like
everyone else and that we/I need to slow down, self evaluate and embrace peace.
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