Follow Your Passion

Back in high school, my dream was to be a professional musician or actress – though I preferred stage work to film. Being an A-List actress is the dream of many, and while this would probably be nice, I would have been on the moon with being a Broadway actress or content as a stage or off-Broadway actress. Being a professional musician would be even better and being both a professional musician and a stage actress would be perfection. I even had Berklee College of Music interested in having me come check out their school. I was so tempted . . . yet, in the end, I decided that I probably would spend the rest of my life hoping for some big break and I would be the quintessential starving artist. I decided to get a B.A. in English and go to law school instead.

This back-up plan might have actually worked, had I actually followed through with it. Instead, however, I decided after a few years of college that I wanted to have a family. This plan works for some too, but not for me apparently. I have my family – and I find myself taking care of this family all by myself because now I’m divorced, like so many others. Except that I didn’t get to take the house, because there wasn’t one to take. I didn’t get to sue him for alimony because I was the so-called breadwinner by virtue of the fact that I was the ONLY breadwinner half of the time. After a while, having a family wasn’t enough; I wanted to finish my education. I was hoping that things would be better if I had more education, except what does one do with an English degree? Whether I would have pursued law school like I had originally planned, or pursued a Master’s degree so I could become a professor (which is the route I chose), or pursued a teaching credential to teach high school English, I still would have been in student debt. I would have had considerably less student debt had I pursued music and / or theater. And maybe, just maybe, that pursuit would have taken me far away from having ever met my ex-husband.

I know my life would be different had that happened. I know that I wouldn’t have my kids, or I’d have different kids. I know I might have still ended up divorced or whatever. My IQ test and my degrees indicate that I am intelligent. When I look at the fact that I will be paying off my student loans for the rest of my life for an education that I am not currently even using to work at a dead-end job, I don’t feel so smart. When I was working as what I went to school for (a professor), I was even worse off. I at least have some of my debts paid off now and a little bit of money in the bank. I am in a better position now than I was four years ago when my ex-husband and I split up. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Things have improved and things can improve still. I may not like my current situation, but it’s better than it was and someone has to be here for my parents.

Additionally, my life is not over yet. I can still do music, even if it never plays on the radio or wins a Grammy. I can still do theater someday. Someday the cares of today will no longer be what troubles me or the excuse that I have for not having time. Someday I will look back on this day just as I am now looking back on my decision in high school to not pursue music or theater and think, “Why the hell not? What truly did you have to lose? Is your life truly better now because you chose the more noble path? Was it indeed a more noble path?” The longer I live, the more I regret not following my passion into whatever abyss it was going to lead me to. I am glad that I have a degree in English. I enjoyed my time as a teacher and a professor. Now I need to find a way to merge that which I am passionate about with that which I have been trained to do. Wish me luck.