The Most Exhausting Role: Pretending I’m OK

Twenty-seven years ago, I was diagnosed with Massive Depressive Disorder. I honestly think that title sounds a bit severe, but essentially it translates to me being either baseline in mood or severely depressed. I can be happy at times, even sometimes downright giddy, but those moments are rare. Approximately 18 years ago, I was diagnosed with mild to moderate anxiety, though I think my anxiety probably started long before that and was caused by a whole series of events and conditions that would require their own book. These diagnoses manifest in a variety of ways including the obvious sadness, as well as anger, agitation, aggressive behavior and/or speech, sarcasm, being snarky, etc. So, acting “normal” or pretending as though everything is OK is difficult and exhausting.

Last night I lost yet another friend, this time to Leukemia. It had only been 5 days since I lost my Aunt Inez and the world lost Chester Bennington. I could accept my Aunt Inez dying because of her age and her health problems, but I was having a hard time with Chester’s decision to end his life and now I have to mourn the loss of a friend, except that I’m not really allowed to mourn. My parents still need me to take care of them part of the time and run errands for them. I still have appointments I have to go to and work that I need to complete. No one wants to be around someone who is depressed, angry, moody or crying, even if there is a reason for such behavior. I really just want to stay in bed all day and cry and sleep, but I can’t. So, I leave the house and try to be normal. I wipe tears away when people aren’t looking and blow my nose. Having allergies makes the nose blowing look normal and my sunglasses hide everything else if I’m outside. Inside, I can either close my eyes or hold them open without blinking and that will stop the tears. It will also make me very tired. Pretending to be OK is exhausting.

I am not OK. I lost three people in one week. Taking care of my elderly parents is hard and getting harder by the day. I have doubts about everything under the sun just about: my parenting, my children, my ability to do anything, my music… I could go on all day. I am sad. I am tired. Pretending to be OK is making me even more tired. I have pretended to be blind, fat (before I was actually anywhere near overweight), a computer, a robot, mentally retarded (Charlie from Flowers for Algernon), a Mad Hatter, a crazy person, a drunk person, etc., but pretending to be OK when you’re depressed or anxious is the most challenging and exhausting role and it’s a Broadway production that never, ever ends. For me, it has been running for over 20 years.

I am doubtful that too many people will actually even read this blog entry, if anyone. If you are reading it and you made it this far, thank you. I have only one more thing to say: pretending to be OK is difficult and exhausting, so please be more patient with your friends and family who are doing their best to do so.