It’s 2018; Why are ‘Spinster’ and ‘Single’ Still Bad Words?

It’s 2018; Why are ‘Spinster’ and ‘Single’ Still Bad Words?

My mother fled her ex-husband when my older half-brother was a baby and moved to California. Her ex-husband was abusive and based on a recent conversation I had with his granddaughter, is still just as deplorable now as he was over 50 years ago. Unfortunately, she would flee the skillet only to land in the frying pan. As things often go with women who find themselves in abusive relationships, my mother found herself in yet another abusive marriage to my father. She would never escape. She put up with over forty years of my father’s berating, controlling, lying, jealousy and infidelity and never once said a word, except to her best friend. She even had to endure my father’s ex-wife being in the picture at times. She remained because she felt it was in the best interest of her children and she never let on what was going on. My other older brother still seems to not know the truth about our parents.

Like my mother and my grandmother, I followed in the tradition of marrying an abusive man. My ex-husband was berating, controlling, jealous and still does not have a grasp on truth. I remained married to him for fourteen years, not only because we had three children, but also because I was convinced that I could not live without him. Probably the worst thing he could have ever done was leave me to my own devices for nine months back in 2012 because he showed me that I could indeed live without him and that I was better off. I spent nearly two years single before I dated again and when I did finally date again, I again made a bad choice. I stayed for a year and a half with someone who was completely wrong for me and who was controlling, manipulative and time-consuming. He wanted me to spend every minute of my free time with him. He wanted me to share everything with him, but frequently reminded me that everything he shared with me was his. He broke up with me because he did not want to compete with my children (and my cousin on one occasion) for my time and attention.

When my mother was alive, she thought it strange that I didn’t want to get married again. I guess my father, who ironically enough always disapproved of me having boyfriends and hated everyone but my ex-husband, also thinks I should get remarried. Supposedly, he has voiced concerns that because I spend much of my free time with my cousins, that I will never find someone. If he were to ever voice these concerns to me instead of his caretakers, I would have to tell him that I am not looking for anyone.

Recently, I met with a new therapist. My old therapist unfortunately retired just before the holidays and because of the holidays and various other reasons, I dragged my feet finding a new therapist. I tend to wait until I actually need a therapist to look for one, especially now that it is a new one. Therapists are like boyfriends. I think one of the reasons I personally tended to stay in bad relationships is because it is easier than having to start from scratch with a new relationship. The same is true for therapists. Just as I would have to start from scratch telling a new boyfriend about myself, my family, my interests, my likes and dislikes, etc., I also have to tell the same things to my therapist. My new therapist asked if I was dating and I had to begin trying to explain why not. My old therapist would have already known the answer to this question, so progress would be a forward motion without the need to restart the car.

I spent fourteen years having someone tell me what I could and could not do. Despite the fact that I made most of the money and for half of the marriage, made all the money, I had no access to any of the money. All of our money went into a bank account I had no access to. I had given up on things that were once important to me and had almost entirely forgotten who I was before I got married. When I saw Wreck-it Ralph, I instantly fell in love with the character of Vanellope Von Schweetz, even dressing like her a few years ago for Halloween. What I did not realize was that there was a connection between that glitch and myself; a connection that was apparent to one of my cousins who has worked tirelessly for the past six years to reset my code, only to have his work interrupted by my ex-boyfriend. I remain a work in progress.

I am bit by bit returning to being the person I was before I got married. I have returned to doing music and theatre work, though my confidence has taken a blow over the past two decades. I have returned to writing, though I never really completely stopped writing, I just stopped sharing it with people, except for my academic writing. My life is by no means perfect and it remains very much a work in progress, but I hope that someday I can at least say that it is my life that I am living and not someone else’s. I eat what I want to eat and drink what I want to drink. I go where I want to go, assuming that my responsibilities to my children and to my father do not interfere. My father is a great interference because he can’t be left alone, so even if I were to find someone, how could I possibly have a normal relationship like others do? I play music, audition for plays, read, write and do what I want when I want (assuming that I am not working). I don’t have to share anything. There is great freedom in being single. So, why is ‘single’ such a bad word that terms like ‘spinster’ have been developed to bring an even more negative connotation? Why is ‘spinster’ negative? What is so wrong with being single that you have to explain to everyone why you are still single, or, god forbid, that being single was actually a personal choice?

The temptation is to wonder if it’s just because people in relationships want you to be as miserable as they are, but I think sociology and voyeurism are more likely culprits. Humans are social beings for the most part and we find it strange when someone chooses not to be social in ways that we find normal. The concept of ‘normal’ brings me to my next point about voyeurism. Mankind is very much interested in what is going on in other people’s bedrooms. We have not really progressed much from decades ago when it was illegal to be in an interracial relationship. There are people who still have a problem with interracial relationships and even more people who have problems with non-heteronormative relationships. These people are essentially saying that everyone must be in a relationship so long as that relationship is on their terms.

There is nothing wrong with being single. There is great freedom in being single. There is room for self-analysis, self-improvement and deep soul-searching when you are single. Particularly when you find yourself in bad relationship after bad relationship, there is much to be gained from spending some time alone trying to figure out who you are and what you need in someone else. The healthiest relationships are the product of healthy individuals coming together to share their lives. Certainly compromise should be a part of every relationship, but it should not be all compromise from one and no compromise from the other. When you have completely forgotten who you are because of a relationship, you need time to regroup.

There is also nothing wrong with being in a relationship, as long as all parties are happy. This happiness should really be the only constraint that we put on relationships, not race, gender or any other preconceived ideas. If you are not in favor of interracial or non-heteronormative relationships, then don’t be in one, but don’t think that you have the right to get in the way of other’s relationships just because you don’t agree with them. You are interfering with their inalienable right to happiness and that is wrong.