M*nty Pyth*n's Ice Cream Wars (not used with permission - hope that's ok)

M*nty Pyth*n’s Ice Cream Wars (not used with permission – hope that’s ok)

I also considered “Freaky Friday – Monday Edition” and “My Life the Sitcom”.  The latter would have been the safest choice probably, but I doubt Terry Gilliam will read my silly little blog anyway.

Sometimes I’ll read on Facebook about the silly things my friends’ kids say or do. Sometimes I am one of those parents who post silly things my kids say or do. Today’s excerpt however has a lot of extra innings and a whole sitcom-length script that sounds like something out of Monty Python or Cake Wars. Additionally, there are a few other interesting things that happened today also.

My brother sent me a text message earlier this evening telling me to make sure my doors were locked because there was police and SWAT activity near my home. I wasn’t home, but my daughter was, so I sent her a text message telling her the same. A little while later, I came home to find that all of the police and SWAT activity was on my street and I would have to show an officer my ID in order to get to my house. Apparently, they were in pursuit of an armed suspect. So, yeah, that’s a thing that happened.

Backtracking a bit, my father fell late Friday night. I happened to be up still and heard him, so I picked him up (he weighs no more than a minute) and put him back on his bed. I asked him if he wanted me to call 911. He said no. Later on that morning, he changed his mind because his pain was great. I called 911, which in retrospect I wish I had done the first time, and the ambulance came and took him to the Emergency Room. He had broken his hip and fractured seven ribs and his scapula behind his right shoulder. His whole right side was a mess. He would need a hip replacement, and ironically enough, his orthopedic surgeon is also my orthopedic doctor for my right shoulder. My father was in good hands, but he will likely be in the hospital for a long time.

Due to this unfortunate event, and others last week, my laundry was in dire need of being done. I gathered all the laundry and put the first load in the machine and attempted to turn it on. Nothing. I pushed the button again. Nothing. I opened and closed the lid and pushed the button again. Nothing. I checked all the knobs. Nope; nothing out of the ordinary. I unplugged it and plugged it back in. Nothing. I checked the circuit breaker. Nothing out of place. I hit the reset button. Nothing. I tried the other plug in the outlet. Nope. I turned off the kitchen light. Bingo! We are in business! In order to do my laundry, I had to keep the kitchen light off. Apparently running the air conditioner, the washing machine and the kitchen light all at the same time is quite literally a deal breaker.

I decide I want ice cream. Here begins the part of the episode known as “ice cream wars”. I decide that warming up the hot fudge in the microwave might not go so well considering the earlier kitchen light incident, so I put the hot fudge in a small pot and warm it up on low heat on the stove. When it nears melted, I look for a bowl to put my ice cream in. There are no bowls. What the hell happened to all our bowls? Where do these silly caretakers put things? Wait. I know where they might be.

Here begins “my life the sitcom”.

Me: Lauren, do you have any bowls?

Lauren: I have a few.

Me: I need a bowl. There are no bowls.

Lauren: I only have a few. There has to be bowls.

Me: There are no bowls. Zero bowls.

Lauren: I don’t have any bowls with the colored rims.

Me: I’m not looking for those bowls. I’m looking for bowls like what we put cereal in. There are none up there, not in the cabinet, not in the sink, not in the drain board. No bowls! Zero bowls. Like, negative bowls. Negative 100 bowls. The complete and utter absence of bowls. I need a bowl!

Lauren (finally looking for the few bowls she has): I only have a few (she hands me two bowls).

Me (looking at the two bowls): Do you have any other dishes in here? I might as well do them all at once.

Lauren (handing me two more bowls): A bunch of spoons and stuff.

Me (blank stare): All of the dishes.

Lauren hands me a handful of silverware.

Me: You need to start bringing your dishes out and washing them. This is not a few bowls. This is four bowls and a bunch of silverware, all of which is needed in the kitchen.

Lauren: You already told me that.

Me: And yet, here we are. I have to come hunting for a damn bowl.

I exit the bedroom and return to the kitchen with a bunch of dishes. Meanwhile, my hot fudge is burning and the spoon has gotten hot and I need a pot holder now to stir the chocolate. Fortunately, unlike the nuts on Cake Wars or Cupcake Wars or Nailed It, I had the sense to put the fudge on low heat, so it wasn’t a complete disaster. I wash the bowl and Lauren comes up to look in the cabinet herself.

Lauren: There are these bowls.

Me: I was looking for these bowls, all of which were in your room. Those bowls, like this one I just washed, are also dirty (the caretakers suck at washing dishes). As I said, there were no bowls, and now they’re all in the sink.

When I told someone else about this Monty Pythonesque conversation between Lauren and I, with the addition of the hot fudge issue, he said it sounded like the cooking shows we watch. I thought it sounded like a Monty Python meets Seinfeld sitcom. Hence, Monty Python Ice Cream Wars.