I'm OK...Until I'm Not

I’m OK… until I’m Not

I have spent the majority of my life trying to figure out what my purpose on this planet is. I was beginning to be convinced that some people probably never do figure out what this is and that I would be one of those people. In recent posts, I have talked about finding this purpose in my mother’s death, and while I still hold that this was and is my purpose, it probably gives the false sense that I am always OK. I am OK… until I’m not OK.

I have been sick for five weeks now. It started off with a cold my son decided I needed to have and has continued on to be the most stubborn sinus infection from the deepest recesses of hell I have ever experienced. I have been on two different courses of antibiotics now and remain sick. I am sick of being sick. My nose is always stuffed up on at least one side at all times and often on both sides. I have trouble sleeping, eating and drinking. I frequently choke on the things I am drinking because I cannot breathe properly. My head feels like it is filled with mucus and I feel like I am drowning. My nose, face and head hurt. Compounding this stubborn sinus infection is the loss of my mother two weeks ago.

I have always been absent minded. This absent mindedness has increased significantly these past two months with this sinus infection and my mother’s passing. I frequently misplace things because I forget that I even had it in the first place or forget where I put it, or both. I feel like I am losing my mind. The one thing I have always rather prided myself on is my mind. Yes, it is forgetful. No, it is not perfect. Yes, I worry that in the wake of my mother dying from Alzheimer’s, that I will also die of Alzheimer’s. This last thought scares the shit out of me. I hate having gone from someone who taught college and wrote academic papers to someone who can’t remember where she put something she was given just a few days ago. Sometimes I see so much of my mom in myself that I become both frustrated and scared at the same time. I can’t help but be hard on myself. I want so badly for this sinus infection to go away. I want my brain to come back. I want to believe that this is a temporary condition that will get better with time. It doesn’t really help to know that this is “normal,” or that the experiences I have had make this “normal”. My mom had it rough too and look what happened to her.

So, most of the time, I am ok. I wake up each morning hoping that I feel better than the day before, and then I don’t. I drink my coffee and try to do the best I can. I have taken up crocheting again. I started working on an afghan only to discover that after I crocheted 1’ long, I don’t know how to measure because it is more than 1’ wide. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother at all. I do my best and my best is always a day late, a dollar short, too wide, or a lot foggy. Today I am not OK.